My significantly smaller belly, new baby, and I rode to recovery. Logan went to tell our families, who had been at the hospital for 14 hrs at this point, that everything went well. In recovery, Elliot and I made our first attempt to breastfeed. The nurse helped me to try to get him to latch. I don’t think that he was on for particularly long. My mom and dad came back to recovery and they were so glad that I was alright and so pleased with Elliot. It was everything mom could do to not hold Elliot (since she had a cold). Elliot was put back in the warmer and the pediatric nurse checked over him again while my nurse checked on me. Logan’s parents visited next and they were so excited too.
I remember being so thirsty and they would only give me a few ice chips and then some sprite. I drank them quickly because I felt fine from a gastroenterologic stand point, but Logan kept encouraging me to slow down.
The nurse that evaluated me in triage the previous Tuesday and sent me home stopped by to congratulate me. That was nice.
After we had recovered a suitable amount we rode to our new room in “Mother Baby.” I rode by the windows of the waiting room while holding Elliot. I waved tiredly at my tired but excited family. The nurse had told me that my family would be allowed to come and see me in Mother Baby once I had been checked in. However, they came on in anyways. They were ready to hold Elliot! I told the nurse that there was nothing I could do to keep them back and she understood. My family for one was exhausted and needed to get back to middle Tennessee and the Dyers were exhausted as well.
I got checked in and was given more pain meds. I fell asleep for a bit and when I came to the nurse had given Elliot his first bath and Logan was holding him skin to skin to keep him warm. Logan was my hero for taking care of most of Elliot’s meconium diapers throughout our stay!
That night I had the most wonderful nurse named Kim and CNA whose name I cannot remember. They could not do enough for us. Kim helped me to walk again in the wee hours of the morning and the CNA happily swaddled Elliot for me as needed. I wanted my new baby to stay in the room with me as much as possible so that we could keep practicing breastfeeding (not to mention I was enamored). I remember one particular time before the epidural wore off Elliot started crying. His bassinet was on the other side of the room and I could not get to him. Logan was asleep on the sofa next to me and was not roused by his cries like I was. I called Logan’s name several times and eventually threw a packet of crackers at him to try to get his attention but it was in vain. I called the nurses and they brought me Elliot.
The next morning I was visited by another friend in anesthesia. He was making his rounds and asked how everything was going. So far so good. The epidural had worn off alright and so their team was signing off on me. He gave me his congratulations.
Then the nonstop stream of people began. Nurses, kitchen staff, someone to check Elliot’s hearing, lab techs, CNAs, cleaning staff, someone to perform Elliot’s newborn screen, etc. All this while Elliot and I were trying to figure out how to breastfeed, which was not going well.
A photographer came in at the mid morning. We tried to put Elliot in his UT outfit for his pictures but it was too small! He wore the hat for some but was otherwise in his diaper. Gam Gam gave him a very soft white blanket which provided an excellent backdrop for his photos. After the pictures the photographer tried to discuss photo packages with us but I could not concentrate for trying to breastfeed the crying baby. Logan sent her away and asked her to come back in a half hour.
Gam Gam and Aunt Linzy came by next. They were there to take care of me and the baby while Logan ran home for a bit. When they arrived I was eating lunch with Elliot inside my gown on my chest resting. The lactation consultant had suggested this to try to calm him down so that he might be able to latch on. I sent Gam Gam and Linzy to help Logan pick out pictures so I could focus on Elliot and lunch. They returned after picking out some photos and kept me company and Elliot in clean diapers until Logan returned.
The lactation consultant had shown me how to do the football hold with Elliot, which helped keep him off my tender belly. She also gave me a plastic nipple which was easier for him to latch onto and some glucose to try to calm him down so that he could better latch on. Still Elliot cried a lot when he was not sleeping and was having a lot of trouble latching on. I was becoming very frustrated which did not go well with my exhaustion.
Most of our visitors could see that we were so tired and would hold the baby briefly, give us their well wishes, and leave. I did have to turn away one visitor, our radiology program coordinator, because I was breastfeeding, which I felt bad about. However, there was one couple who would not take the hint and leave us be. They wanted to stay and chat and hold the baby in the late afternoon, by which point I was so incredibly frustrated with breastfeeding I could hardly stand it. I was as cold to these relatives as possible but they would not take the hint that I needed to be resting and practicing breastfeeding, not talking to them. It wasn’t their fault. They were just excited. Finally Logan sent them away.
It was at that point that I realized I no longer needed to keep it together and breathe for Elliot. I broke down and cried and cried. Why was breastfeeding so difficult for us? Why could I not seem to help this crying baby? Why did we not realize my baby was so large ahead of time? And why was I in labor for 33 hours only to have a C-section??? On and on my thoughts went and I sobbed uncontrollably with Logan consoling me. He turned away my next set of visitors, who were more than a little hurt. I tried to call them back hoping they would be understanding when they saw me in hysterics but they left anyways, which was fine by me. At that point Logan and I decided that we would not be accepting anymore visitors during our stay.
That night Elliot cried and cried again. I felt bad for our neighbors. I held Elliot yelling over Logan’s sleeping head but Logan was immune with exhaustion. I finally managed to wake him by pushing his bed. “How can you not hear him?” I cried. “He is making me crazy!” Logan woke and tiredly comforted us. We called the nurse and asked if their was anything we could do to help our baby. She suggested the “Supplemental Nursing System” which was a small catheter with formula that you tape over your nipple. I hated to give Elliot formula as I wanted to make sure that I was stimulated enough to breastfeed him, but desperate times called for desperate measures. I fed him with the SNS and he was much happier. We all got a little sleep.
The next morning the nurse told me that she had been by once to check on me and I was talking in my sleep. I told her about my pregnancy and that I was due any day. Weird…
My second day with Elliot was much better. We had only one visitor (Slappy, who had called ahead) and we spent the day resting and focusing on breastfeeding. I met another lactation consultant who was wonderfully encouraging, and with her and Logan’s help we got Elliot latched on and feeding. In fact I fed him nonstop for 3 hours that evening but still he was not satisfied. We tried the SNS again so that we could get a little sleep.
Still in the wee hours of the morning he cried and cried. The power went off at one point and the room became eerily quiet. Apparently a white noise generator had been on the whole time without me noticing. But when it came back on I could not help but notice it. I finally decided I needed a change of scenery so I left the room for the first time. While I walked the halls I made an important discovery. Other babies were crying too. I could not hear them before with the white noise. Maybe I was not the worst parent ever! We did send Elliot to the newborn nursery briefly in those wee hours. We decided we would be better parents if we got a little sleep.
The next morning we got ready to go home. I have never been so excited to leave anywhere. The hospital is a terrible place to rest. My doctor came by that morning. I thanked her for our lives. Modern medicine is an amazing thing. The pediatrician came by and told me that Elliot had lost too much weight and needed to see an out patient pediatrician the following day. Logan set that up.
When it was time to go, we dressed Elliot in a new UT shirt that Logan had brought from home. We then put him in his car seat, which he immediately did not like. I called the nurse for the car seat check but somehow the message got lost. So we waited and waited with Elliot screaming. I opened the door so the nurses could hear him yelling and hurry up. Finally I took him out of his car seat. We chatted with a friend of mine in family medicine while I waited on the nurse. He was impressed by Elliot’s size and said we were missing out on the newborn experience and starting with a 1 month old instead!
Finally the nurse came and apologized for our wait. Elliot’s car seat passed. They wanted me to ride through the lobby in a wheelchair with the baby in his car seat on my lap. This was a bad idea for two reasons. One, I didn’t want the seat on my barely healed C-section wound, and two, I didn’t want to ride through the lobby where any number of my coworkers might be passing with Elliot screaming. So the nurse let me hold him in a swaddle and put the car seat in a basket behind the chair.
We rode to freedom! Logan was waiting for us with the car. We fastened Elliot in and I rode beside him. He cried for a bit but then fell asleep with the car soothing him. My parents met us at our home to take care of us. They stayed with us for the next week.
Elliot still cried a lot those first few days at home. I remember in the middle of the night with him finally going to my parents room asking, “Does anyone want to hold a crying baby for a couple of hours while I try to get some sleep?” My dad confused started to sit up to help but my mom jumped out of the bed over him shouting, “I want him! I want him!” She rocked him in the den but I could not stay away. So I slept on the couch beside them while they rocked.
At the pediatrician’s office Elliot was down to 8lbs 9oz. The doctor wanted us to come back the next day. That night we continued the on demand feedings and tried the SNS again. The next day my milk finally came in! Elliot stopped losing weight and had gained an ounce at his check up. He was a whole new baby! We were so relieved! Maybe we could take care of this life we had created. Maybe we would for the first time in a week get some sleep. Maybe everything was going to be alright. 🙂
